Weird Al Yankovic - Your Horoscope For Today Lyrics

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Aquarius!

There's travel in your future when your

Tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus

Fill that void in your life by playing

Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

Pisces!

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos... with the Ebola virus

You are the true Lord of the Dance

No matter what those idiots at work say

Aries!

The look on your face will be priceless

When you find that forty-pound watermelon in your colon

Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf and give a hickey to Meryl Streep

Taurus!

You will never find tru happiness -

Whatcha gonna do cry about it?

The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up

Do a bunch of stuff and then go back to bed.

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)

That's your horoscope for today

Gemini!

Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence

Your love life will run into trouble

When your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest

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Cancer!

The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud

Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test

Leo!

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt

And staple it to your boss's face oh no

Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding

Then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

Virgo!

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you

Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stake.

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)

That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very

Least a bit unlikely that the relative position of

The planets and the stars could have a special

Deep significance or meaning that exclusively

Applies to only you but let me give you my

Assurance that these forecasts and predictions are

All based on solid scientific documented

Evidence so you would have to be some kind of

Moron not to realize that every single one of them

Is absolutely true. Where was I?

Libra!

A big promotion is just around the corner

For someone much more talented that you

Laughter is the very best medicine

Remember that when your appendix bursts next week

Scorpio!

Get ready for an unexpected trip -

When you call screaming from an open window

Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem you stupid freak

Sagittarius!

All your friends are laughing behind your back... KILL THEM

Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den

Capricorn!

The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person

But you know they're lying

If I were you I'd lock my doors and windows

And never never never never never leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (yay-yay-yay)

That's your horoscope for today

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