Coconuts Lyrics - Monthy Python

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ARTHUR:
I must speak with your lord and master.

SOLDIER #1:
What? Ridden on a horse?

ARTHUR:
Yes!

SOLDIER #1:
You're using coconuts!

ARTHUR:
What?

SOLDIER #1:
You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.

ARTHUR:
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through--

SOLDIER #1:
Where'd you get the coconuts?

ARTHUR:
We found them.

SOLDIER #1:
Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!

ARTHUR:
What do you mean?

SOLDIER #1:
Well, this is a temperate zone.

ARTHUR:
The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?

SOLDIER #1:
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

ARTHUR:
Not at all. They could be carried.

SOLDIER #1:
What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

ARTHUR:
It could grip it by the husk!

SOLDIER #1:
It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.

ARTHUR:
Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?

SOLDIER #1:
Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?

ARTHUR:
Please!

SOLDIER #1:
Am I right?

ARTHUR:
I'm not interested!

SOLDIER #2:
It could be carried by an African swallow!

SOLDIER #1:
Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.

SOLDIER #2:
Oh, yeah, I agree with that.

ARTHUR:
Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!

SOLDIER #1:
But then of course, uh, African swallows are non-migratory.

SOLDIER #2:
Oh, yeah.

SOLDIER #1:
So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.
[clop clop clop]

SOLDIER #2:
Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?

SOLDIER #1:
No, they'd have to have it on a line.

SOLDIER #2:
Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!

SOLDIER #1:
What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?

SOLDIER #2:
Well, why not?

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