Certified Lyrics - Mc Lars

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I spot an active drowning victim form a mile away
I save old men in seas like hemmingway.
The swimming pool not taken?
Watch out for frost
Don't get busted like milton
Or paradise will be lost.
Its like that and that's the way it is.
Don't run-dmc walk like the other kids.
And if you get in trouble i use a contact dive
I extent my rescue tube to keep you alive.
If you're submerged i'll dive feet first
And bring you to a backboard never to a hearse.
Because doa victims are for amateurs
I do it my safe way you do it yours
Like raleys or luckys or albertsons.
Did the victim hurt his neck? im going in.
I support your chin airway and spine
With my head-splint technique everything is fine.
My eap is cpr after those rescue breaths
Then i'll check your airway for respiratory arrest.
Then it's sweep ventilation and abdominal thrusts
I get the pool toy out i can will and must.
Prepared for emergencies ive got my life together
And understand my job keeps you alive like eddie vedder.
If you're a stressed-out mom
Who keeps her children fettered
Your kids are safe today see no lifeguard is better.
Ten times as reliable mature and fitter
Than your average lifeguard as a water babysitter
Betsy weeks trained me well at roble gym
And im slamming into swim safety not a slim jim.
Chorus
Lifeguarding at the pool lake or the sea
I keep both eyes on your progeny.
The red cross has got my back like 1-2-3
Because im c-e-r-t-f-i-e-d.
And when i act it's with informed consent
If you wont cooperate i circumvent
And call the cops best recognize
Its not wise to distract me as i scrutinize
The pool it's called scanning best take a hint
And shut your mouth you don't matter like lint.
Larry flint might argue that your
Voice means nothing but i be like bush
And say for safety it means nothing.
Im disciplined and talented at what i do
And hope to say the same for my lifeguard crew
Because unlike the insane clown posse
We practice our skills repeatedly
And don't cash in on tentative integrity
Or fire dope producers for more money.
Wait what where was i?
I guess i got side-tracked
Dissing detroit high school drop-outs
With new albums that are whack.
Back on track heres the point:
Im safe like what!
Making sure the chemical room doors always shut.
See that gardeners dirty trowel?
Well i don't. im too busy making
Sure your kids stay afloat.
And see that dude who kind of looks like shrek
But imported like badly dubbed french star trek?
Nope i double check
The bubble trek from your kids lungs.
The shovel speck or
Smuggled shrek distract no one
Like me i don't notice no just your kids.
But did i see that kid run? oh yes i did!
Peripherally so im a lay the smack down
And turn their smiles into one collective frown.
Hey kids stop running! you know the rule!
Yes im a tool from lifeguard school
But safety is cool here at the pool
And trust me on the sunscreen don't be a fool.
Repeat chorus

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