A Lap Dance Is So Much Better When The Lyrics - Bloodhound Gang

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I was lonelier than kunta kinte at a merle haggard concert
That night i strolled on into uncle limpys hump palace lookin for love.
It had been a while.
In fact three hundred and sixty-five had come and went
Since that midnight run haulin hog to shakey town on i-10.
I had picked up this hitchhiker that was sweatin gallons
Through a pair of daisy duke cut-offs and one of those fruit of the loom tank-tops.
Well that night i lost myself to ruby red lips
Milky white skin and baby blue eyes.
Name was russell.

Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin
Well i find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin

Well faster than you can say shallow grave
This pretty little thing come up to me and starts kneadin my balls
Like hard-boiled eggs in a tube sock.
Said her name was bambi and i said well that's a coincidence darlin
Cause i was just thinkin about skinnin you like a deer.
Well she smiled had about as much teeth as a jack-o-lantern
And i went on to tell her how i would wear her face like a mask
As i do my little kooky dance.
And then she told me to shush.
I guess she could sense my desperation.
Course it's hard to hide a hard-on when you're dressed like minnie pearl.

Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin
Well i find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin

So bambis goin on about how she can make all my fantasies come true.
So i says even this one i have where jesus christ
Is jackhammering mickey mouse in the doo-doo hole
With a lawn dart as garth brooks gives birth to something
Resembling a cheddar cheese log with almonds on santa clauss tummy-tum?
Well ten beers twenty minutes and thirty dollars later
Im parkin the beef bus in tuna town if you know what i mean.
Got to nail her back at her trailer.
Heh. that rhymes.
I have to admit it was even more of a turn-on
When i found out she was doin me to buy baby formula.

Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin
Well i find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin

Day or so had passed when i popped the clutch
Gave the tranny a spin and slid on into
The stinky pinky gulp n guzzle big rig snooze-a-stop.
There i was browsin through the latest issue of throb
When i saw bambi starin at me from the back of a milk carton.
Well my heart just dropped.
So i decided to do what any good christian would.
You can not imagine how difficult it is to hold a half gallon of moo juice
And polish the one-eyed gopher when your doin seventy-five
In an eighteen-wheeler.
I never thought missing children could be so sexy.
Did i say that out loud?

Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin
Well i find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin

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