Geraldine Quinn - Love Is Lame Lyrics

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Picture this twelfth century couple: Abelard and Heloise

She was a pupil, he was her teacher when they contracted love's disease

By play-lunch they'd had a pash and a medieval fumble

But when her uncle found out, their world began to crumble

He banged up Heloise behind French convent walls

Then her family popped around to slice off Abelard's balls

She died as a nun grinding rosary beads

And he turned monk scratching where his bollocks used to be

That's happens to lovers, that's why love is blind

To overlook any gonads that you may leave behind

Love means catching diseases that I cannot spell

Love is overrated, what's the point of this love

When your in-laws have you castrated

Oedipus met a hot chick, her name was Jocasta

They couldn't get rid of her husband the king much more faster

Rotton luck, the king was his dad and their regicide fulfilled a curse

Typical of those zany Greeks, things got a lot worse

So the new king of Thebes takes his mum for a wife

Before blinding himself, and she takes his own life

The kids are left with a deformed family tree

A brother and gran where mum and dad ought to be

That's what happens to lovers, that's why love is jinxed

And that's what you get when you take romantic tips from a bitch called the Sphinx

She's got the legs of the lion and wings of some bird or other

I'd rather stab out my eyes than go shagging my mother

(Would have thought he'd notice the resemblance.)

Antony and Cleopatra also suffered defeat

She was Egyptian queen and he had Rome at his feet

They were upwardly mobile, the Empire's number one

And then Tony got cocky and he lost the battle at the port of Actium

Instead of raising their family for empirical quibbling

Fighting over the kingdom and marrying a sibling

Tony suicides, befitting the fall of the mighty

And the snake in his wife's undies got a bit bitey

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That's what happens to lovers, that's why love is crap

You're forced to end your own life at the slightest mishap

So Octavian won and and Rome threatened to plunder

What's the point of this love, when you're six feet or so under

Now if you don't believe all that I say is true

Then guess what, I've got some more examples for you

Venus split her time between floating on a shell

And putting those poor Trojans through six decades of hell

Rosetti buried Lizzie with the works of his pen

Then he got a publishing deal and dug her up again

Sonny and Cher were in love on TV

Before she turned into plastic and he ran into a tree

Cathy loved Heathcliff and they both wound up dead

William Burroughs loved his wife and shot a hole through her head

Edward abdicated the British monarchy

Just to play hide the sausage with a Yank divorcee

Cruise and Kidman - malpractice from love's physician

He married Lolita, she a country musician

Isis and Osiris had a love like no other

Though it should be recalled they were sister and brother

You see it seems to poor me that it all ends in grief

I'm not trying to be a cynic, but I would be as leave

To rub salt in my cuts and steel wool in my eyes

Than to shame myself further over beautiful guys

Maybe love has a point, the completion of soul

Though when I bake a cake, no one else licks the bowl

No help from a lover or partner or beau

Just me and my tongue and a chocolate gâteau

People say it will happen, you look for rejection

Don't presume love's more transient than an erection

But at least when I've failed or objected to marry

I'm not known as girlfriend or wife - I'm Gerry

Look what happens to lovers, that's why love is shite

All those pledges and pop songs and no one ever requites

People mope or they make themselves ill, sometimes die,

Because they've gone mental over some girl or guy

Don't you dare say I'm overreacting or zealous

You're all doomed! - but I might just be jealous

Said I'd stick to my word

Love will tear us apart

I will never back down

I will never give in

Oh, no no no

I believe in a thing called love

I believe in Santa too

Pop stars and cats have souls

Everything in the Bible's true

I believe in a thing called love

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