Weird Al Yankovic - Albuquerque Lyrics

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Way back when I was just a little bitty

Boy living in a box under the stairs in

The corner of the basement half a block

Down the street from Jerry's Bait shop

You know the place

Well anyway back then life was going swell

And everything was just peachy

Except of course for the undeniable

Fact that every single morning

My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut

Every single mornin

It wa driving me crazy

I said to my mom

I said "Hey mom what's with all the sauerkraut?"

And my dear sweet mother

She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train

And she leaned right down next to me

And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU"

And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth

And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I

Was twenty six and a half years old

That's when I swore that someday

Someday I would get outta that basement and

Travel to a magical far away place

Where the sun is always shining and the

Air smells like warm root beer

And the towels are oh so fluffy

Where the shriners and the lepers play

Their ukuleles all day long

And anyone on the street will glady

Shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka doodoo yeah

Well let me tell you people it wasn't long

At all before my dream came true

Because the very next day a local

Radio station had this contest

To see who could correctly guess the number of

Molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt

I was off by three but I still won the grand prize

That's right a first class one-way ticket to

Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Oh yeah

You know I'd never been on a real airplane before

And I gotta tell ya it was really great

Except that I had to sit between two

Large Albanian women with excruciatingly

Severe body odor

And the little kid in back of me kept

Throwin' up the whole time

The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts

And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore

And oh yeah three of the airplane engines burned out

And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside

And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died

Except for me

You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah ha ha ha

Ah ha ha

Ahhhh

So I crawled from the twisted burnin' wreckage

I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days

Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag

And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball

And my lucky lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel

But finally I arived at the world

Famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn

Where the towels are oh so fluffy

And you can eat your soup right out of

The ashtrays if you wanna

It's OK they're clean

Well I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C

And I turned on the SpectraVision

And I'm just about to eat that little

Chocolate mint on my pillow

That I love so very very much when

Suddenly there's a knock on the door

Well now who could that be?

I say "Who is it?"

No answer

"Who is it?"

There's no answer

"WHO IS IT?"

They're not sayin' anything

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So finally I go over and I open the

Door and just as I suspected

It's some big fat hermaphrodite with

A Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only

One nostril

Oh man I hate it when I'm right

So anyway he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel

And I'm like "Hey you can't have that"

"That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"

And he's like "Tough"

And I'm like "Give it"

And he's like "Make me"

And I'm like "'Kay"

So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus

And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows

And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation

Yes indeed you better believe it

And somehow in the middle of it all the

Phone got knocked off the hook

And twenty seconds later I heard a farmiliar voice

And you know what it said?

I'll tell you what it said

It said

"If you'd like to make a call please hang up and try again"

"If you need help hang up and then dial your operator"

"If you'd like to make a call please hang up and try again"

"If you need help hang up and then dial your operator"

In Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Well to cut a long story short he got away with my snorkel

But I made a a solemn vow right then and

There that I would not rest

I would not sleep for an instant until the

One-nostrilled man was brought to justice

But first I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop

And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter

And he says "Yeah what do ya want?"

I said "You got any glazed donuts?"

He said "No we're outta glazed donuts"

I said "Well you got any jelly donuts?"

He said "No we're outta jelly donuts"

I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"

He said "No we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts"

I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?"

He said "No we're outta cinnamon rolls"

I said "You got any apple fritters?"

He said "No we're outta apple fritters"

I said "You got any bear claws?"

He said "Wait a minute I'll go check"

"No we're outta bear claws"

I said "Well in that case - in that case what do you have?"

He says "All I got right now is this box of one

Dozen starving crazed weasels"

I said "OK I'll take that"

So he hands me the box and I open up the

Lid and the weasels jump out

And they immediately latch onto my face

And start bitin' me all over

(rabid gnawing sounds)

Oh man they were just going nuts

They were tearin' me apart

You know I think it was just about that

Time that a little ditty started goin'

Through my head"

I believe it went a little something like this . . .

Doh

Get 'em off me

Get 'em off me

Oh

No get 'em off get 'em off

Oh oh God oh God

Oh get 'em off me

Oh oh God

Ah (more screaming)

I ran out into the street with these

Flesh-eating weasels all over my face

Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin' runnin' runnin'

Like a constipated weiner dog

And as luck wouls have it that's exactly when

I ran into the girl of my dreams

Her name was Zelda

She was a caligraphy enthusiast with a

Slight overbite and hair the color of

Strained peaches

I'll never forget the first thing she said to me.

She said "Hey you've got weasels on your face"

That's when I knew it was true love

We were inseperable after that

Aw we ate together we bathed together

We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss

The world was our burrito

So we got married and we bought us a house

And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly

Oh we were so very very very happy aw yeah

But then one fateful night Zelda said to me

She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna

Join the Columbia Record Club?"

I said "Woah hold on now baby"

"I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment"

So we broke up and I never saw her again

But that's just the way things go

In Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Anyway things really started lookin' upi for me

Because about a week later I finally

Achieved my lifelong dream

That's right I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler

I even made employee of the month after I put

That grease fire out with my face

Aw yeah everybody was pretty jealous of me after that

I was gettin' a lot of attitude

OK like one time I was out in the parking lot

Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil

When I see this guy Marty tryin' to

Carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs

All by himself

So I I say to him I say "Hey you want

Me to help you with that?"

And Marty he just rolls his eyes and goes

"No I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on me

He's like "Hey man I was just being sarcastic"

Well that's just great

How was I supposed to know that?

I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud

Besides now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy

So what's he complaining about?

Say that reminds me of another amusing anecdote

This guy comes up to me on the street and says

He hasn't had a bit in three days

Well I knew what he meant

But just to be funny I took a big bite out of his jugular vein

And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over

And I'm like "Hey come on don'tcha get it?"

But he just keeps rolling around on the

Sidewalk bleeding and screaming

(screaming sounds)

You know just completely missing the

Irony of the whole situation

Man some people just can't take a joke you know?

Anyway um um where was I?

Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh well uh OK

Anyway I I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it

But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is

I hate sauerkraut

That's all I'm really tryin' to say

And by the way if one day you happen to wake up

And find yourself in an existential quandry

Full of loathing and self-doubt

And wracked with the pain and isolation of

Your pitiful meaningless existence

At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that

Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours

There's still a little place called

Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Albuquerque Albuquerque

Albuquerque Albuquerque

Albuquerque Albuquerque

Albuquerque Albuquerque

I said "A" (A)

"L" (L)

"B" (B)

"U" (U)

"querque" (querque)

Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque

Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque

Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque

Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque

Albuquerque

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